My Day Today.

It seems that I’m a walking contradiction, like most humans I guess. I get upset about the smallest of things, yet today, I could care less about anything and everything at all.

I saw a homeless person get hit by a car today on my lonely way home. I could have stopped it, I saw it coming.

But I didn’t care, my thoughts racing, the adrenaline coursing through my veins, only to be released through my laughter as I watched the car swerve as the drivers life flashed before eyes.

I felt better when I got home, I walked inside the door and literally stripped as I walked through, the door slamming with a trail of clothes behind me as I staggered up the stairs into the shower, the cold needle like water trying to wash away the red that had come out of nowhere; stained on my skin.

The white wash noise and splattering against my head and shoulders always puts me into a trance-like state, reliving the day’s moments.

Flashes.

The man was walking out in front of me, pushing his trolley filled with bottles and blankets, the screeching of tyres, my arms struggling to turn the wheel.

Black.

My eyes slowly opened to watch a man casually stroll away, his shoulders shaking, as I looked to myself, I tasted asphalt and heard the crackling of glass as I saw my front windscreen no longer attached to my car, pools of red liquid around me I traced the source back to the trolley, and the homeless man. The Fanta bottles now empty.

I sighed with relief.

Black.

-Roaring Fox

(Source: roaringfoxstories)

My Story: Watching

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———

… My eyes, blurring, unable to focus, floating over the wreckage, two cars, one behind ours, in the middle of the intersection, Mel crouching over something, her body heaving, sobbing, a body. 

Mine…

This feeling was like nothing i had ever felt before, i felt normal, yet with something missing. Obviously my body, yet something more than the physicality behind it.

I look onwards as the ambulances arrive, they approached slowly as if they had all the time in the world, assessing the situation at hand, three of the six approach my body, taking vitals, whilst the remaining two check on Mel and the man in the car beside us who had lost control.

Mel brushing them away, oblivious to the small cuts and gashes along her head and arms where the glass had shattered. Everything still moving slowly, from the rotation of the sirens to the leaves tumbling across the intersection passing in between the concerned and curious onlookers, once impatient upon getting home, the harsh reality of what could have been them, struck their hearts and minds.

Mel cursing the man who caused this accident, her unheard words brushing past his ears no longer absorbing sounds in his unconscious state.  The pain on her eyes clearly showing, concern for me, concern for my safety and my future, guilt and shame glimmering briefly across her face only to be hidden by love and worry.

I noticed that the paramedics were quickening the pace of their CPR, odd I thought, CPR shouldn’t change in rate, then I noticed numerous thinks speeding up, the talk of the onlookers increasing in pace, i look to the breeze, it began moving at a normal pace, suddenly things started quickening, faster and faster, everything became a blur, a bright flash of light.

My eyes opened, blinking furiously at the lights of the ambulance that i was now being placed into. Mel right beside me, her eyes bloodshot, tears resting on her cheeks. She gave out a whimper of relief. Her arm stroking mine.

I was alive.

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-Roaring Fox

(Source: roaringfox)

My Story: Helpless

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To Start The Series From The Beginning: Click Here.

———

… Leaving in the car 10 minutes later, i looked out to the shops as they passed by, the street lights above flickering across my face as we raced by, i wondered, just wondered, where i was going, and where this would take me…

The radio, murmuring quietly, the soft tones of “Twenty Years” filling the car as we talked quietly, Mel talking about the old days informing me of her initial impressions, the memories created as well as the little things that made the difference to our relationship.

I sighed with content, this was the life, surprises on the way, the girl i had been longing for for a long time after me also.  Despite not knowing where surprises lead, i secretly enjoyed them, more than i let on. As much as it annoyed me when Mel had that cheeky knowing grin spread across her whole face. 

She slowed the car to a stop, me not paying attention to where we were going, i was still concentrating on her amazing face, her features highlighted in the passing streetlights. 

She turned to look at me, realising i was staring, leaned over and kissed me deeply her smiling spreading to show her white, perfect teeth. 

Sighing as the lights turned green she moved forward to continue the journey.

“You know, there are other things out there other than me” she joked, chuckling under her breath.

“Not as interesting as you Mel” I whispered.

Bang.

Time slowed down, the impact of the car behind us, spinning us out of control. Hair flying, my hands grasping thin air, reaching the arm rest and grabbing Mel’s leg. Spinning, more and more, looking to my right i see Mel’s eyes, filled with shock, horror and fear of the unknown. Looking to me for a brief second before everything went black, a second Bang To go with it.

My eyes, blurring, unable to focus, floating over the wreckage, two cars, one behind ours, in the middle of the intersection, Mel crouching over something, her body heaving, sobbing, a body. 

Mine.

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-Roaring Fox

(Source: roaringfox)

This hell in which we reside

I walk through the doors as they open expectantly, waiting for me enter.

Entering the whitewashed room, blinding to my eyes. I look around, ignoring the overweight woman behind the counter. Spying the floor plan behind her.

I know my direction. Her protests ignored, i walk down the hall passing people sitting, sullen, heads bowed, this is a place of sadness, death, unhappiness and bad news. All eye contact was avoided. My piercing eyes met no others.

I hated this place.

I waited by the elevator, absorbing the details around me, nurses, doctors passing without a secondary glance. I do not know how they cope, i am not sure how i shall cope.

I never wanted to hear those words spoken to me over the phone.

Those ground breaking words.

*DING*

I am brought back to the point of realisation, the point where fear struck me like an unstoppable train. “Sir, your partner is in critical condition, she’s just been hit my a truck. You may want to come in, we aren’t sure whether she’ll come through” Silence

“Sir? Sir? This may be you’re only chance.” Ironic, that my fear most likely hit me just as hard.

The elevator dings once more, bringing me up through the shock, self-pity, regret, and the horrors of the hell that i had been introduced to.

I walk slowly through the also whitewashed hall, symbolic of heaven, what a joke, this wasnt heaven, i hadnt been brought back from hell.

I was still in it.

I found her room.

No.

Time stopped. Everything around me continuing, people panicking, bringing in patients. Doctors and nurses moving briskly.

My heart cried out. Shattering into a million pieces, this wasn’t how i wanted her to go. A mass of bandages, cords, and monitors, keeping her alive. The beeping of a monitor replacing the beat of her heart.

This wasn’t her, this wasn’t how i could say goodbye, she had already left.

She had already gone.

I flicked off all switches, no consultation from doctors, i wanted it for her, i wanted it for myself. To put her at peace.

But i had to live the war, the war of sadness and despair.

I sat, tears forming, gasping for air.

I had gone too. My heart with her.

Gone forever.

-Roaring Fox

That one call….

That one phone call, that one dreaded message,

Rain falling, thunder rumbling.
The television flashing images of worry, frustration, regret, hate, shock.

Why did she hang up, why was she crying? This isn’t like her, i look to the photos on the mantelpiece by the door. I’ve never seen her this upset, she’s scaring me, i don’t know what to say, i shouldn’t have let her go.

I get up, tears forming, filled with worry and regret, i’m going to fix this, make it all better. I grab the keys from the bench reach for my coat and leave the house.

Fumbling with the lock i manage to open the driver side door, i sit down dropping my keys by my feet, i curse to myself, my car has no lights inside any-more, having recently blown. Cursing more i desperately look for the keys hair falling over my face. A bright flash of lightning, lighting up the innermost darkness of the car, my keys just beside my hand, sitting innocently as if they were looking at me, ‘I was here all the time’.

Growling i grab the keys, starting the car, it groans in shock of being started at such a late point of the night ‘I’m trying to sleep here, come back later’. I punch the steering wheel in frustration. It starts,

Smiling but grimacing at the same time, my hand now aching I’ll regret that in the morning. I drive down the road, now regretting the punch even more, aching a dull throb, throb, throb, like the heartbeat of two lovers, strong and constant.

The rain now pelting with retribution, reducing the visibility to a little less than 5 meters, i maintained my speed, i needed to see her, flash of lightning, her face appears before me, that sad haunted face i imagine her to be revealing, all alone. I hate not being by her side, hate not making everything better, hate not..

I swerve, to avoid the out of control car coming towards me, not thinking… time slowed, mouth agape, this was it, what do i do?

Swerving still, struggling to maintain any control that remained with the car, it screeching in protest.

This was it, i saw a lamp post. Too late.

Shocked i slammed on the brakes.

Slowing, slowing, slowing, the lamp coming closer and closer, still too quickly.

Darkness.

Eyes flickering, my car. Stopped, in front of the lamp post, with little more than an inch to spare.

Shock.

-Roaring Fox