Today is the day where we should all take the courage to make sure our friends and loved ones are okay. RUOK day is a day of suicide awareness and prevention, by ensuring the little problems don’t make a bigger one by asking the question “Are you okay?”.
Spread the word, be kind hearted and concerned for the ones you love, in Australia alone 65,000 people try to take their life every year, in the UK this number is 170,000.
Help stop self harm and abuse as well as the possibility of Suicide.
A conversation could change someone’s life.
All it takes is three words.
Are you okay?
Spread the word.
Most of you won’t even read any more than past this line. You won’t for a second consider the emotional depth to this post, the heart wrenching tears that pour in memories that are being relived with each and every key being pressed on this keyboard.
Death has been a major part of my life, something that has always been around me. Something that will always plague me and eventually take me, but never control me, or i it.
Last year was the worst year of my life, losing 12 to suicide, and a further 3 to a car crash.
This is not something i widely publicise, my family, nor my closest friends are even aware of these hardships that i have forced myself through.
I suppose its the main reason why i cannot trust people closely, it takes a lot for me to fully give my all to someone, because i do not want them to lose me like i have others.
However, in all its essence i do not fear death, i do not fear what it holds for me, it is an inevitability in which will eventually take its toll on me. It is an adventure in which i will look forward to taking, i will let that adventure make itself available to me when it deems me ready.
Death it seems is a close friend whom i do not want to be near, but do not wish to be away from, it will always linger in the background occasionally voicing itself to be heard by myself and others, filling me with memories, and revoking my ability to continue creating them with the passing soul who leaves us to move forwards.
Death is but a greatest adventure left for us to discover when we least expect it.
My only fear is that i might not be able to wait, to share it with you. To share this adventure as well as many more with you, that is my greatest wish.
White, my mind blank, nothing filling it, no thoughts passing through, my senses numb, I didn’t feel, I didn’t think, I knew nothing.
All that was with me, was the static filling my ears, followed by murmurs of my name, through this white fog, I was nowhere.
I was alone.
The fog lifting around me, the murmurs becoming clearer.
“Tom, Tom? Stay with us buddy, we’re almost there.” An unrecognisable voice shouted, his voice dulled, sounding as if it had been slowed.
“Give him a dose of adrenaline, it’ll help stabilise him.” Another voice shouted, becoming even more clearer.
A stabbing feeling penetrated my leg, coursing up my torso and head, the adrenaline pushing itself through my veins.
I gasped, my senses returning as I regained consciousness, my eyes open to see two people standing over me, dressed in teal.
My head pounding, I attempted to look around, my neck unable to move..
“Woah now, don’t move Tom, we have you in a neck brace until we reach the hospital and check you out. You’ve been in an accident, can you hear me?” One of the men asked, his voice much softer than before.
I opened my mouth uttering a quiet, “Yes”.
It went black again.
I won’t ever forget that day, I sit here in the park opposite my street, three years later. My life has changed a lot since that accident, my mother’s death that day, still haunts me.
I watch a bird settle on a nearby branch, singing its birdsong to follow the sunrise of the early spring morning, the cool breeze wrapping itself over me, to be fought off by the goosebumps forming on my skin. The small bird now joined by what seems it’s partner, joining it in it’s hearty song. Awaking the natural neighbourhood.
It became an obsession of mine to awake before the sun, watching as nature began it’s day, not necessarily the healthiest of obsessions mind you…
To be continued.
So, lovely weather for today, although the clouds on the horizon may allow for a chance of doom. Live up life while you got it guise, Christian fundamentalists have to be right about something don’t they?
Oh and for a funny read…
WHEN Judgment Day comes - which some US Christian fundamentalists insist will happen on Saturday - have you thought about what you’re going to do with the family dog and cat?
In 26 US states, you could have them rescued and adopted by enterprising atheists who have set up a business to care for the animal companions of any Christians who are selected to go to heaven when Jesus Christ comes back.
“You’ve committed your life to Jesus. You know you’re saved. But when the Rapture comes, what’s to become of your loving pets who are left behind?” Eternal Earth-Bound Pets says on its website, offering to “take that burden off your mind”.
Read more: http://www.news.com.au/technology/atheists-offer-pet-help-after-judgment-day/story-e6frfro0-1226058673384#ixzz1Mvy3plAF
I am no ordinary human being, my image to a stranger would in fact be quite off-putting at first. After the initial disbelief however, I can apparently be quite settling, relaxing someone if you will.
I suppose I should explain my cryptic tellings of this story from the beginning.
From the age of two my life began its disturbing, yet somehow fascinating struggle catalysed by a chain of events that would irrevocably change my life.
My parents perished in an airline accident mid-flight as they returned from my fathers business trip over the pacific, they had apparently been gone two weeks, the trip was meant to have changed our lives, I was meant to go, however it was planned at short notice leaving me in the care of my neighbour.
It was never explained to me until my 18th birthday what had happened to my parents, in fact I was not aware of the fact that my god parents were in fact not my real parents.
I did not really have a normal childhood come to think of it, neither of my parents worked like normal parents would; my father rarely left my side and my mother could always be found in the kitchen or in her study, absorbed by the pale glow of her computer screen, as well as the considerable amount of time spent on her phone in low tones.
Upon my 18th birthday my father, well… Godfather, sat me down, his eyes grim and full of regret, he described the lies i had been fed since my parents deaths, his role as my god father. With a deep sigh he began outlining the horrific details which were explained within the coroners report:
“As it was a charter airline the Montague’s were the only passengers on Flight DT5322. After analysis of the wreckage and the black box it is clear that the right wing engine was tampered with; the fuel line was loosened in an attempt to reduce the plane to one engine, causing the plane to be inoperable. The unfortunate timing of the fuel line detaching from the engine resulted in a crash of the plane, this combined with the location of the plane at the time of detachment would not allow for the captain to prevent the unfortunate death of crew and passengers.”
I got up from my chair; eyes misty, filled with tears as much as my heart was with anguish as I went to leave the room.
I would never forget the following moment as i passed my god mother’s slightly ajar door. Hearing the hushed words from her mouth into a phone that were not intended for my ears shook me to the core.
“Yes, yes It was me who did it…”
“It had to be done…”
The automatic doors opened before me, introducing me to a whitewash walled building. There was nothing appealing about this place.
The woman in front of me; most likely in her late 20’s, didn’t look up from her clipboard.
The phones constantly going off, unanswered, they are oblivious to the staff who are rushed off their feet; unable to maintain anything lower than a quick jog as they move to and fro the many rooms contained within the looming building.
I walk through, my destination known, the cold air pumped through the ventilation system causing goose bumps on my arm. I pass the rooms, monitors beeping, at differing intervals, voices over intercoms spreading information throughout the building to staff.
As I pass the open doorways my peripheral vision introduces me to its inhabitant’s lives; many of them, lifeless. Some inhabitants unable to achieve the simplest of tasks yet holding on to the life they no longer own.
This place was a pet hate of mine, even the most foulest of descriptions would not fit my hatred for this place.
We come here to be born, in hope of gaining something, a push, something that could ultimately change our lives, but for the most part. It wouldn’t find us…Instead, we come to find our death, whilst losing all our dignity, what’s left.
I turn to the doorway most familiar, only to find it empty, the bed no longer made, devoid of the flowers I had placed by the window side only yesterday. Nothing but the now packed bags of my wife; she had been struggling with cancer for three months, only having been operated on two days ago in an attempt to improve her life.
A nurse passed my room, momentarily looking up and seeing my confusion.
She came in, her pace still abrupt and rushed.
“She died in her sleep last night. I’m sorry.”
She smiled weakly in an attempt to make things lighter than they were,
and then she was gone.
Just like my wife.
To Read The Previous Episode: Click Here.
To Start The Series From The Beginning: Click Here.
… Leaving in the car 10 minutes later, i looked out to the shops as they passed by, the street lights above flickering across my face as we raced by, i wondered, just wondered, where i was going, and where this would take me…
The radio, murmuring quietly, the soft tones of “Twenty Years” filling the car as we talked quietly, Mel talking about the old days informing me of her initial impressions, the memories created as well as the little things that made the difference to our relationship.
I sighed with content, this was the life, surprises on the way, the girl i had been longing for for a long time after me also. Despite not knowing where surprises lead, i secretly enjoyed them, more than i let on. As much as it annoyed me when Mel had that cheeky knowing grin spread across her whole face.
She slowed the car to a stop, me not paying attention to where we were going, i was still concentrating on her amazing face, her features highlighted in the passing streetlights.
She turned to look at me, realising i was staring, leaned over and kissed me deeply her smiling spreading to show her white, perfect teeth.
Sighing as the lights turned green she moved forward to continue the journey.
“You know, there are other things out there other than me” she joked, chuckling under her breath.
“Not as interesting as you Mel” I whispered.
Time slowed down, the impact of the car behind us, spinning us out of control. Hair flying, my hands grasping thin air, reaching the arm rest and grabbing Mel’s leg. Spinning, more and more, looking to my right i see Mel’s eyes, filled with shock, horror and fear of the unknown. Looking to me for a brief second before everything went black, a second Bang To go with it.
My eyes, blurring, unable to focus, floating over the wreckage, two cars, one behind ours, in the middle of the intersection, Mel crouching over something, her body heaving, sobbing, a body.
To read the next episode: Click Here
You have less than two weeks to live.
My heart stopped, my mind shifting, no longer focusing on the present, yet to the full reality of this statement.
The doctor continued his explanation, yet i was not listening, i could not hear the details of the tragic truth of my newly found life. Staring at the poster behind the doctors balding, yet oddly shiny head. I saw a family, supposedly happy that their mother had been saved by the cervical cancer vaccine.
Yet nothing could stop mine, the doctor rambling on continuously, as if he enjoyed this part of the job, the words being unspoken yet thought with glee: I get to charge you for telling you all about your inevitable death in painful and most likely upsetting detail. He was a part of a capitalist society, sadistic to the bone.
*This story may affect some people emotionally. ‘Read More’ only if you are certain you are stable*
I walk through the doors as they open expectantly, waiting for me enter.
Entering the whitewashed room, blinding to my eyes. I look around, ignoring the overweight woman behind the counter. Spying the floor plan behind her.
I know my direction. Her protests ignored, i walk down the hall passing people sitting, sullen, heads bowed, this is a place of sadness, death, unhappiness and bad news. All eye contact was avoided. My piercing eyes met no others.
I hated this place.
I waited by the elevator, absorbing the details around me, nurses, doctors passing without a secondary glance. I do not know how they cope, i am not sure how i shall cope.
I never wanted to hear those words spoken to me over the phone.
Those ground breaking words.
I am brought back to the point of realisation, the point where fear struck me like an unstoppable train. “Sir, your partner is in critical condition, she’s just been hit my a truck. You may want to come in, we aren’t sure whether she’ll come through” Silence
“Sir? Sir? This may be you’re only chance.” Ironic, that my fear most likely hit me just as hard.
The elevator dings once more, bringing me up through the shock, self-pity, regret, and the horrors of the hell that i had been introduced to.
I walk slowly through the also whitewashed hall, symbolic of heaven, what a joke, this wasnt heaven, i hadnt been brought back from hell.
I was still in it.
I found her room.
Time stopped. Everything around me continuing, people panicking, bringing in patients. Doctors and nurses moving briskly.
My heart cried out. Shattering into a million pieces, this wasn’t how i wanted her to go. A mass of bandages, cords, and monitors, keeping her alive. The beeping of a monitor replacing the beat of her heart.
This wasn’t her, this wasn’t how i could say goodbye, she had already left.
She had already gone.
I flicked off all switches, no consultation from doctors, i wanted it for her, i wanted it for myself. To put her at peace.
But i had to live the war, the war of sadness and despair.
I sat, tears forming, gasping for air.
I had gone too. My heart with her.
“It is these, with heavy regret that I say these final words.”
Rumbling of thunder in the distance.
I look up to glance the large dark rolling clouds moving menacingly creeping like a cat would to its prey. Flashes of lightning moving throughout the cloud of darkness.
“It is not my place to speak of such tragedy, i generally am a happy person, but now, filled with regret.”
Tears begin forming but not in my eyes alone, but in the many of the people before me, a sea of black. Mourning.
“It was not my intention to speak today, about this sad occurrence, about this person who shall be sorely missed, it was my intention to have continued to see them, love them and care for them.”
I breathed a heavy sigh, this is not where i wanted to be, i was not ready for this day, i needed time with her, her death… too soon.
I missed her.
“Whilst this was a time in her life where she was at her busiest, with university, and work, her friends and family. She was at her happiest, her busyness keeping her at her peak.”
God I’ll miss her.
Her mother coming behind me, myself clearly unable to state any more, the emotion welling up inside of me, unable to move, speak or cry no more. She held me close and pulled me softly away from the pedestal.
“I think its a sign,” she said with a hiccup as she struggled to hold her emotions in par,
Thunder rumbling in protest, it was a dark day, and even nature understood that.
I breathed deeply as they lowered her pine finished coffin lower and lower, with the red tear stained ribbons held by her three brothers and father.
It was time to say,
Our final words.
Forever in our hearts.