I don’t know why I cannot sleep tonight, I’ve been trying for two hours unsuccessfully.
Things are good right now, they couldn’t improve much more, I’m on top of my studies, I have a trip to Africa booked for July, potentially a trip to NZ in December, and I have a hobby that is looking to be particularly personally rewarding to me.
So why am I not happy?
I just came across this post.
I think I know why now..
“I like drinking coffee alone and reading alone. I like riding the bus alone and walking home alone. It gives me time to think and set my mind free. I like eating alone and listening to music alone. But when I see a mother with her child, a girl with her lover, or a friend laughing with their best friend, I realize that even though I like being alone, I don’t fancy being lonely. The sky is beautiful, but the people are sad. I just need someone who won’t run away.”
I feel like i am neglecting the personal side of my blog… Whilst i have not been on to allow you to see a lot of personal side of me i feel like i haven’t been offering any at all into my life. Many of you still ask me if i am a guy or a girl… (For the record I am Male).
On top of all this i think today shall be my blogging day, where i set everything up.. i hope to set up an FAQ for you guys… just to make it easier and avoid the questions that i often get asked…
So i’m going to be more personal, it will be a challenge for me, and i still will not reveal everything.. I cannot do that for fear of being found.. hurting those that whilst deserved to be hurt, it’s not my duty to do so…
With that, i am off to have a shower, to think to what restraints i should blog…
I’m in the mood to write, but with no actual ideas…
I hate this part of life, where thoughts are motionless, stagnant in a pool of water, only collecting the spawn of mosquitoes…
I hate feeling filthy..
If you have ideas, let me know.
Edit: Sorry for the fail of grammar… the lack of commas are common amongst my splurges.. i shall be more careful.. but really cannot be bothered correcting them.
Sitting on the edge of my bed, leaning on the desk in front of me, I began to think to myself; a regular occurrence at this time of night.
My only source of light being the pale white from the computer screen, competing with the flickering orange of the streetlight outside my window which seemed to refuse to work despite its constant repairs by the local government, like my ever so lonely mood as a result of an attempt for repair by my so very great friends.
My screen flashed orange, a message from an old friend I had not spoken to for a while,
I smiled grimly; we had not a good ending within our past.
We began speaking, I was not really paying valuable attention to her, distracted by the comings and goings of statuses and posts by people of whom I do not know;
Images of inspiration, messages of wisdom, food for thought as it were. She began to question our past,
our ending, the great finale so to speak, ironically the feelings ensued were not so great.
In a plea of desperation she asked me if she could ask a question.
My attention shifting, I replied yes, filled with amazement at her incessant determination despite my un-revealing and irritable replies.
She began to type, a long message as it would seem; my attention wandering yet again.
Flashing orange, I read the question, her asking of a renewal of friendships as a marriage would with their vows.
A pointless activity in many cases I believed, but nonetheless I gave it thought, pausing for what seemed like an eternity.
Memories came flooding through, uncertain of their destination.
I questioned her motives, curious to their origins, careful to avoid conflict.
Her reply; innocent, yet accusing me of distrust, it is at that point I realised my mistake; I had done it yet before too many.
It struck me that in moments of crisis one is never fighting against an external enemy, but always against oneself. I had filled myself with distrust towards my so called enemies whereas my only enemy was myself.
So, in my moment of realisation, I said yes.
and started again.
The light outside flickered off,
and started again.
It never flickered again.
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Hey you. Yes you. The one reading this. Think you’re too fat? Too skinny? What about too tall, short, ugly, worthless, or anything else along those lines? Well guess what. I think you all are beautiful. I think you all deserve to wake up with a smile on your face :), and go to bed with a smile on your face. You all deserve happiness.
Screw the boy that broke your heart, and fuck the girl that messed with your feelings. Forget about your parents, and what they say to you. Don’t worry about them.
Think about your future.
How nice it’s going to be in 20 years from now, to be laying in a bed with the one you love, and just knowing that you’re the one that the other one wants to be with forever. Think about all the success you’re going to do, and how many smiles you’re going to put on someones face. Think about your future kids, and grand-children. Think about what you are going to do with your life. In 20 years from now, everything that is happening now, won’t matter ! at all. You might not remember anything that is happening right now. If you think you have it bad, think about all the things you have in life. Have a roof over your head? Yes, well someone else in this world doesn’t. Have clothes on your back? Yeah, well someone else in this world doesn’t. You have your friends? There’s someone else in the world that doesn’t.
You still have your life, you have your heart, your eyes, your ears, your legs, your feet, your arms, your hands, and most importantly, you have someone that is going to love you for who you are. You may not know them now, and you may not think that they do, but they do. And they will give up anything, just to be with you. Now, smile because you’re always going to have it better than someone else out there. Don’t frown because something happened, that isn’t going to matter later in life.
So please… Take my advice… It’s better for your health to be HAPPY. Try it. :) I know you can’t do it all the time, but most of the time you can try, yes?
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