I’m numb. I sit here at my desk, writing in an attempt to clear my head, in preparation for the long journey ahead, sleep will not come easy….
They say life is predetermined… well it’s contested, some like to think otherwise..
I was once the same.
After all my troubles, lost loves, and heartbreaks, I no longer want to be responsible for the hardships that have crossed my path.
I want to be free of the guilt.
I approach my bed, my sanctuary, I want to sleep even earlier tonight, but sleep will not come easy…
The shadows that fill up the corners await for the sun to set, ready to plague my night, pushing sleep out of reach for fear of the unknown.
My eyes droop, yet my anxiety peaks I struggle for peace, for rest. Tossing and turning, restlessly, I am unable to fight the shadows which now linger above me, filling my room. Light is now the minority, slowly fading away, there is no hope for me now, there is no turning back.
I feebly try to think positively, try to pull my sheets closer around me; a mock shield for the deadly enemy.
My thoughts are penetrated, streams of blackness pour in, invading every ounce of conscious thought, my mind is no longer free, and the emotions that fall with it, suppressed, held against my will.
I have become nothing, but a raging inconsolable stranger to those whom I love, and love me, what’s left of them.
My eyes can no longer fight it, giving up by closing my eyelids, to let in what final madness can be established within the last place of hope.
No longer can I escape the reality that is my own, no longer can I look forward to dreaming; leaving behind my troubles and fears, no longer can I visit my hopes and aspirations, of which will one day could have been.
They will never be fulfilled, destiny has already chosen my fate, for now I relax, the now addictive darkness overriding my fears, pushing me further into my inescapable nightmares.
My new reality.
Sitting on the edge of my bed, leaning on the desk in front of me, I began to think to myself; a regular occurrence at this time of night.
My only source of light being the pale white from the computer screen, competing with the flickering orange of the streetlight outside my window which seemed to refuse to work despite its constant repairs by the local government, like my ever so lonely mood as a result of an attempt for repair by my so very great friends.
My screen flashed orange, a message from an old friend I had not spoken to for a while,
I smiled grimly; we had not a good ending within our past.
We began speaking, I was not really paying valuable attention to her, distracted by the comings and goings of statuses and posts by people of whom I do not know;
Images of inspiration, messages of wisdom, food for thought as it were. She began to question our past,
our ending, the great finale so to speak, ironically the feelings ensued were not so great.
In a plea of desperation she asked me if she could ask a question.
My attention shifting, I replied yes, filled with amazement at her incessant determination despite my un-revealing and irritable replies.
She began to type, a long message as it would seem; my attention wandering yet again.
Flashing orange, I read the question, her asking of a renewal of friendships as a marriage would with their vows.
A pointless activity in many cases I believed, but nonetheless I gave it thought, pausing for what seemed like an eternity.
Memories came flooding through, uncertain of their destination.
I questioned her motives, curious to their origins, careful to avoid conflict.
Her reply; innocent, yet accusing me of distrust, it is at that point I realised my mistake; I had done it yet before too many.
It struck me that in moments of crisis one is never fighting against an external enemy, but always against oneself. I had filled myself with distrust towards my so called enemies whereas my only enemy was myself.
So, in my moment of realisation, I said yes.
and started again.
The light outside flickered off,
and started again.
It never flickered again.