Sitting on the leather bound couch, sniffing into a tissue, crying my soul out to the world, only to be heard by the man intent on monetary motivation.
And how does that make you feel? He asks bored, she’s just another cash source to him, she’s nothing to him, he doesn’t care.
I tell him my story and receive only blank stares, he’s not looking at me, he’s looking to the billboard behind him, the latest advert for the new range of lingerie released to the public by Victoria’s Secret.
The ring on his finger glinting in the sunlight drawn from the skylight above. He wasn’t even aware what i was saying.
I just can’t stand how people can just sit there and not listen to me, even when they pretend to…
Yes people do that, go on. He says in an automated response, his voice monotone, his scribbling making circular motions clearly outlining what he saw on the billboard behind me.
I brush my hair behind my ears, my eyes noticing the scars that lined the my wrist, they blared at me, glowing white as if a painful reminder of what was to come in my moments of solitude.
He stands up, pacing, his words drowned out by my thoughts of disgust, if he wouldn’t listen, who would.
The scars glowed hot again, my throat aching from the early morning purge. I was no one, no one. My tears running in a constant stream down my face, i couldn’t help it, i had no one, what could i possibly do.
Random sentences emerged through the psychologist’s rant. It will get to you.
… They cannot help it, they cannot help you, but i know something that can.
He got out his prescription pad, scribbling the words of a pharmaceutical drug, the name appearing all over his desk i noted as i stood up to take the prescription, letters of thanks for his avid support for their sales.
I sniffed back the rest of my soul, and heart, what was left of it. And exited alone, without the warmth of love, consideration, nor care that others would share with me.
Why wouldn’t anyone care for me, all i wanted was the love from someone.
This was nothing out of the ordinary. As i exited the lobby i sat down on the side walk without a care for anything, but my wrenched heart despite the large volumes of traffic rushing past me. I brushed my hair back in a weak attempt to calm it against the rush of wind that passed me with every vehicle, the scars there again, in front of me, a harsh reminder of reality.
What would happen if i lent forward just that little bit, tipping me closer to the edge.
Who would care about me.
This is a story dedicated to all of those who go through this, there is help out there, i’m not talking about the professional kind, there is always someone concerned for your well being, even strangers.
If you need to talk, talk, find someone.
Please, Please. She whimpered softly, Looking up to me, her face hidden by the silhouette created against the harsh light behind her, revealing open wounds across her arms and legs which she slowly caressed, grimacing as she did so.
Help me out of here, i’ll be good i promise… Tears began forming at the corners of her eyes. I can stop. I can do this! Her voice now quivering in time with her lower lip.
The pale whitewashed walls reflected her cold, pale and clammy skin, dripping with perspiration…
I stood watching, tears forming in my own eyes, she didn’t recognise me, i stood unable to move. In shock.
Her eyes, wide as the moon shining through the broken window beside me, lost their focus. Where have you gone!? Come back! Looking desperately around the room, for a solution to her mystery.
Still frozen to the spot i watched her as she collapsed in a heap, worn out by her body’s great expenditure of energy. Unable to move, this wasn’t her i knew.
Sobbing, her whole chest heaving in exhaustion, sadness, and desperation. Her head snapping up, pushing herself up, stumbling closer to me,her eyes still out of focus, unable to discern reality from fiction. Her hands pulling my face closer, cold and damp with sweat, Pulling my neck closer, still unable to move away i let my body directed.
Her hot breath spreading across my neck as she whispered undiscernable mumblings.
I want to go home.
Collapsing in a heap once more as her knees gave way, slowly falling i let her drop as i move my arms away from her, loosening their support.
I couldn’t handle this, this woman with an uncontrollable drug addiction, his woman who had no control over her life, or anything for that matter.
She was no longer my wife. She was no one.
As I look into the night sky, and see a million stars,
I can’t help but wonder where on earth you are.
You seem so far away to me.
I want to know you care.
Especially because, oh how I love the moments that we shared.
It always saddened me that it had to end this way.
Oh damn people for their destruction,
and how you joined this fray.
You know you mean the world to me,
It’s hard to believe you see,
Just how strong you are,
And all that you can be.
How happy you are,
and how free you can be,
You know you are
the only one for me.
Desperation, the need for the next time.
The withdrawal was killing me, the symptoms were complicated, strong and unbelievably having a detrimental on both my physical and mental state.
My mind was constantly focused on one thing, yet constantly changing between many thoughts of which i could not control. Everything was aching, i longed for this.
I missed it, i needed it again, and again.
The feeling that came with it, the sheer absolute joy, the only side effects; coming off it. The need for more, the constant fixation upon it, the thoughts dedicated to it.
People say i’m to good for it, that it isn’t right for me.
But i don’t care what they say,
i don’t care what they think.
They don’t know it.
They don’t know her.
I love her.
She’s my addiction. :)
Walking down the hall I see him by the locker, talking to his best friend. The one I know he loves. Does he know I love him?
No, he doesn’t know of my little hints, my little secrets that I desperately want to yell to the world. He doesn’t know the amount of space he occupies within my thoughts.
All of it.
Looking at him, staring into his deep brown eyes, his amazing brown eyes, with the sparkle of the sun on the water. I wonder if he notices me, if he thinks of me, like I do him. I wonder if he notices the little things about me.
I want him.
I need him now.
He needs to know.
Careful as to not arouse suspicion to anyone else, I begin to approach him as he sorts through his locker, trying to look casual. I smell his strong musky odour of his amazing, expensive cologne; Share.
Moving my eyes over every aspect of his back, absorbing every small and minor detail, getting to know him in every way possible. My longing for him increasing with every glance, with every detailed absorbed.
His phone rings, I move away slowly to the drinking fountain, careful not to make any obvious changes. I do not want to bring attention to us, to him.
No one else can have him.
I overhear his conversation, he’s going out, tomorrow. With someone, i cannot make out who. It better not be that girl. He’s mine, not hers.
I need him right now.
He hangs up his phone and continues sorting out his locker.
I approach him, closer, closer, until I am right behind him, looking at the back of his well carved neck.
I must have him.
My eyes open.
My alarm clock ringing.