I pause, pen barely touching paper, trying to compose myself, my eyes welling up with water as I try to force the memory out of my head, to the page beneath me. My scrawl barely understandable like the circumstances caused it.
I can see that long winding pathway down to the water, the moonlight shimmering through the trees and the mist, glistening as its reflected off the puddles.
Its not the scenery that terrifies me, rather its the destination in which I cannot change, it’s the result in which I fear.
I run. Trying to escape the path, smashing my way through shrubbery and palms, I see the clouds above me rolling in with thunder, the lightning dancing across its curves and bubbles, appearing out of nowhere, masking the moonlight, only to be seen for brief moments at a time. I stop trying to catch my breath and gather my bearings. I breathe in, feeling the fresh air rush into my chest, its cool tentacles outstretching itself to the outreaches of my body.
I hear bats flying overhead, their echolocation piercing my ears, I run, wanting to outrun everything, no longer able to see in front of me, stumbling around with my arms outstretched I stop, my hands closing down on a soft hair like object. A flash of lightning, i can see my feet bruised and battered standing on broken branches and leaves. I look up slowly, now unable to see anything. Another flash, eyes appearing from the darkness lighting up orange, the air around me no longer cool and fresh, but hot and musky.
Another flash and its gone. I fall forward as I realise I was using it as support to catch my breath. More flashes, eyes all around me.
I leap back in shock, crawling backwards just wanting it to end, my mind pacing, hurting.
I got to my feet slowly as the eyes faded to darkness, turning around cautiously. The moon reappearing between the gaps in the clouds.
I see the path and the body at the bottom surrounded by blood.
I’m numb. I sit here at my desk, writing in an attempt to clear my head, in preparation for the long journey ahead, sleep will not come easy….
They say life is predetermined… well it’s contested, some like to think otherwise..
I was once the same.
After all my troubles, lost loves, and heartbreaks, I no longer want to be responsible for the hardships that have crossed my path.
I want to be free of the guilt.
I approach my bed, my sanctuary, I want to sleep even earlier tonight, but sleep will not come easy…
The shadows that fill up the corners await for the sun to set, ready to plague my night, pushing sleep out of reach for fear of the unknown.
My eyes droop, yet my anxiety peaks I struggle for peace, for rest. Tossing and turning, restlessly, I am unable to fight the shadows which now linger above me, filling my room. Light is now the minority, slowly fading away, there is no hope for me now, there is no turning back.
I feebly try to think positively, try to pull my sheets closer around me; a mock shield for the deadly enemy.
My thoughts are penetrated, streams of blackness pour in, invading every ounce of conscious thought, my mind is no longer free, and the emotions that fall with it, suppressed, held against my will.
I have become nothing, but a raging inconsolable stranger to those whom I love, and love me, what’s left of them.
My eyes can no longer fight it, giving up by closing my eyelids, to let in what final madness can be established within the last place of hope.
No longer can I escape the reality that is my own, no longer can I look forward to dreaming; leaving behind my troubles and fears, no longer can I visit my hopes and aspirations, of which will one day could have been.
They will never be fulfilled, destiny has already chosen my fate, for now I relax, the now addictive darkness overriding my fears, pushing me further into my inescapable nightmares.
My new reality.
I wake up, sweat pouring off my head, my hands clammy, my body covered in goosebumps.
Rain pouring against the windows, belting like liquid pebbles.
A flash of lighting. A face at the window…I’m still dreaming….
Running, pathways, choices, where to go…
Trouble on every corner.
Panic, nerves raw, eyes moving rapidly, decisions, decisions.
Where to go, there they are, the chase. What do they want from me?
Why do they not hear my cries? My yelling, my screams?
I run, but go nowhere, i see them wherever i turn. A maze of alleyways and streets, where to go? Where to escape?
To escape from this reality?
Why won’t someone save me?
A shudder, the world shakes, flashes of bright lights, constriction, i can’t move, can’t do anything.
Eyes opening, being held by my girlfriend, kissing my lips gently to wake me up, oh so blissful. Soothingly says “it’s okay, i’m here” pulling me closer…
Flicking the light off, I roll over, holding her closely. She falls back to sleep.
Just a dream…
Whispered into my ear. We’re waiting…