Its almost less than two weeks till the end of my schooling career, this year has been one of my worst ever. I have lost 6 people to suicide, one to a car crash and a break up of many great friendships.
There were many times where i just blamed myself, uncertain where to turn, who to turn to, as well as who to trust.
Time is moving forward, yet I’m not sure if I want to.
Moving forward to me is like leaving them behind.
I’m not sure if I’m ready for that.
These people were the greatest part of my lives, some of which relied upon me to keeping them going, losing them was like losing a piece of myself. Unable to cope with the world they decided to leave.
What most people don’t realise about suicide is that its not the selfish way out. I myself have contemplated the possibility many times yet never deep enough to feel the need to get to that stage.
I guess what people don’t understand me is that behind this forced smile that I wear every single day is someone who is crying out for help, but cannot do so as I do not trust anyone. I don’t even know what compelled me to write this, It’s just coming to me as I had planned to write something else.
As of recent I have learnt to trust again, one person I have to thank for that, one I can trust with anything, whilst I’m not completely open about everything, they understand that, and for that I am forever grateful.
I suppose holding it in hasn’t been the best thing that I could have done for me, whilst its motivated me to do other things, such as helping others, and provided inspiration and motivation to do things I had never done, if none of this had happened you would not be reading this, or any of my writings for that matter.
I suppose all I am trying to say is, life has its surprises, its shocks and horrors as well as its unforgettable moments despite this, all it has in store for us, planned or not, whatever it is you believe in, everything happens for a reason and there is always something great in store for you. You just have to realise it, mine was this person, as well as finding the ability to write, something I am so glad to have found.
So to the few that have read all of this; thank you, whoever you are, you’ve contributed to making me who I am today, and I shall leave you with this advice.
Keep your heads held high, smile, and love like you’ve never loved before, for there is never enough in the world, you never know just how much you impact someone, for we all have a hidden story to us. Mean the things you do. Make meaning of the things you do, take the time to observe, and never underestimate the ability to do so, you will never regret it.
Judge not, and be free.